Joy

I'm not quite sure what I want to say in this post. I feel as though I need to post something...but I just don't have the want to right now. This holiday season has been blah. Thanksgiving wasn't normal and I don't feel like Christmas. That's wrong on so many levels I can't even begin to explain- but I push through and try to think about Ava. The last post I left you all with was about our trip to Disney- which was wonderful. Sometimes I think about escaping there permanently. I am sure my family could survive on the kettle korn, fudge, pizza, any-other-food-that-might-make-you-happy....It's a magical place, a happy place...why couldn't we travel down there and stay for a while? I am sure family members would love to come visit us.

I think it all started when we received a phone call prior to traveling down to Disney, my Uncle wasn't doing well and the procedure that we were all hoping would be life-saving (literally) wasn't going to happen and they were going to send him home- there wasn't anything else that could be done....well if that doesn't put a damper on holiday cheer- I'm not sure what would. My parents who accompanied us to Disney debated about whether or not to head up to my Aunt and Uncle's house or to continue as planned. In the end, as you obviously read in my previous posts they ended up joining us at Disney and I flew my cousin up to her parent's house with some of the miles I had built up over the years and saved for just a time as this.

While at Disney we tried to block out the loom that was hanging over all of us for Ava's sake- this was her first time at Disney- and we did have a wonderful time. It was even more magical to us for this reason. After returning from our trip to Disney the news of my Uncle continued to worsen. Friday night, November 20th, he passed away and all the pain and discomfort he had been feeling for several months now vanished- now we had to deal with the pain and discomfort of his absence, especially through the holidays.

We went through the motions of Thanksgiving, but to be honest, I wasn't feeling too thankful at this point. I should have been thankful for my health, Adam's health, Ava's health. I should have been thankful for the reminder that life is short. Instead, I wasn't - I just wasn't thankful for anything.

I was reminded of a verse: "When times are good be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14

God is all knowing and can see the big picture. We don't understand it- We question it- We argue with it- We may even pitch a fit over it- but regardless of how we feel- God knows the end of the story and I had to realize and make peace with the fact that even though I may not like it- I had to trust God knew what is/was best.

Black Friday came and went- traditions changed due to the current circumstances. The memorial service was held Saturday and while it was nice to visit with family I haven't seen since my wedding- a dark cloud still loomed. Guilt washed over me as I tried to enjoy their presence knowing that someone had just lost their dad, their brother, their son, and their husband. Adam and I even left after the service and headed to the Florida vs. Florida State game- but it still wasn't the same.

I sit here trying to put myself into the Christmas spirit- I pray this verse would take on a new meaning and I would be thankful :
Thankful for the mound of laundry I have to do because this means I have 2 other people living with me to share my life with.
Thankful for constant picking up of toys that now takes place because that means I have a little one running around.
Thankful that I have to get up on Monday morning and work because that means I have a job and in turn, more than I need.
Thankful for dishes I have to wash because that means we have food to eat.
Thankful for our busy schedules because that means we have friends and family and the ability to go and do.
Thankful for loss of my uncle because at least one person was saved during his memorial service. Thankful for the real reason for Christmas and that even when I don't understand I can trust he knows all.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-17)

Joy this Christmas will take on a new meaning for me.